Smiles
by Ling Mao
Summary: What happens when you get tired of it all? No more fears, no more tears, no more regrets. Welcome to the mind.


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Smiles  
By Ling Mao  
  
Start: 5-9-2001  
Finish:12-26-2001  
  
Normal disclaimer applies  
  
Notes: Sorry for the crappy summary  
  
= Thought  
[ ] = Translation  
" " = Spoken  
* * = Sound  
  
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I can smell them. The smell of the sweat that drips from the tips of their chins. The stench of the breath encircling me as the spit out disgusting words.  
  
I can see them. The way their eyes stare at me. The way the glare at me. The way they pierce into my soul and strip me bare. The way their eyes seep deep into me, judging me constantly.  
  
I can hear them. They way the voices rise and drop. The slapping of their skin with each other echoes. The rasping words that escape them. But mostly, their laughter. Their hidden giggles. Their haughty jaunting. Their long fingers jetting out and pointing towards me.  
  
I put my head down against my desk, resting my cheek against the backs of my hands. Slowly, my eyes shut, and I sink into a fantasy world. Little by little, sounds of the outside world disappear and eventually are no longer existent. My sanctuary.   
  
The people around me look at me oddly. They whisper about the oddness of my sleeping habits. I could care less. They all make me sick. Disgusting. All of them. All wrapped up in their own worlds. It took me awhile to understand. But once I did, everything changed. A new light shone.  
  
The teacher yells and a feel something bounce off my head. I grunt, and am forced to stand outside of the room. The buckets of water in my hand press against my puffy uniform. Outside, students yell with excitement for the game they are playing. I move to get a better look, slightly shifting the bucket causing it to spill a little on my dress.  
  
Outside the people played without much thought. They were carefree and unbound by the walls of knowledge. The merely ran around, swing their arms and legs. To be like them. I put the buckets of water down with care, hoping not to have the teacher noticed, and walked way to the outside world.  
  
At lunch, I sat alone, watching the rest. From afar, I could see him. He reddened from the attention he was getting. Two girls stood above him, each holding out some delectable. The boy waved his hands around trying to separate himself from the two with no avail. Occasionally he would glance at me with expectant eyes. I merely glanced back down to my food and continued eating.  
  
Indeed, they were beautiful. The one girl had flowing purple hair, neatly tied, not only keeping some of it from her face, but it had also allowed her to show off her long hair. Her body was well exercised and she was blessed with a well-sized bust. Her purple eyes glittered. The soft skin around her covered the mounds of muscle that she had. Her movements were fast and diligent. Even if her language skills were great, she was smart. She knew a lot about herbs, curses, and many other things.  
  
And the girl with the glossy brown hair. She always had a friendly smile on. She always had good intentions. Her cooking skills were superb. She moved with much grace. Her handle on weapons was also excellent. Her warm personality made her a magnet for friendship. Not only was she book smart, but she also was very worldly and open-minded.  
  
I stood up and brushed the grass away. I'm bored. There is nothing to do. Nothing.  
  
It had happened a couple of days ago. Ranma and I were having our usual fights. To tell you the truth, I never really liked fighting, but once you start, it's hard to break the habit. Yet, after awhile, the words are no longer teasing, they are constant words that sicken you. I just want to scream shut up and have the world stop. He continued yelling, and throwing insults at me, but I had stopped.  
  
"Shut up. I don't want to hear it..." I turned and walked upstairs. It pisses me off. The insults don't hurt anymore, they're just annoying. For once, I wish I could have peace, a moment to myself. But they're all like that. Not just Ranma, but everyone. How they all pried into my private life as if they had every right. How the boys would attack me and expect me to like them for beating me. Do I look like an Amazon? The way people exploited me either for money or to get revenge. The way people never acknowledge me when I did do something nice for them.  
  
I've grown tired of it all. I hate the school. I hate my teachers. I hate my family. I hate Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi, and the rest. I hate my father. I hate Genma.   
  
I hate him.  
  
I hate my mother.  
  
I hate them all.  
  
For lying to me. For tricking me. For making fun of me. For degrading me. For being better than me. For forcing me. For leaving me. I hate them all.  
  
After awhile I stopped. Anything that had to do with the outside world was halted. I became distant to my friends. I stopped talking to my family. I stopped paying attention and doing my homework. I stopped talking to P-chan. I stopped bothering to deal with the fiancées. I stopped loving him.  
  
I am tired. I don't want to go on. How can they expect me to? Mother left me. Sure, Kasumi and Nabiki were there, but it wasn't the same. Father. He lies to me. He pushes me. So does Genma. Why can't they leave me alone? My classmates constantly bother me about Ranma. "How are you two doing?" they'll ask. "How far have you gotten," they question. "How come you don't want him?" The constant questioning of MY life. Leave me alone. The fiancées are sick. How can they spend all their lives thinking about him? What about their future? Is life no more than marriage for a girl? I want something more. Then there is him. How he insults me. How he looks down on me. How he holds me back.   
  
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It was kind of weird. I was doing my usual thing, insulting her, but this time was different. She just told me to shut up. She didn't call me a pervert or a jerk or anything at that. And what's even weirder is that she's been avoiding me. I think she's mad about something again. I don't understand her at all. All she ever does is get mad at me. I wish just once, just once that she would listen to me. Doesn't she understand how hard it is to be me?  
  
My classmates, pop, my mother, Mr. Tendo, the fiancées, everyone. I'm just so sick of it all. Why can't they just leave me alone? Why is it always my responsibility?  
  
Fighting, fighting, fighting. Is that all I am? Can I do nothing else? Why? Why do I have to love the arts? Why does everyone expect me to be perfect? Why can't I choose who I want to be with, what I want to do, and how I want to do it?  
  
No. It's never like that. He said, she said, they said... What about me? Don't I have a say in my life?  
  
Always watching. They are always watching. When I'm training, with my fiancées, when I sleep, they are always watching. Watching to see me fall, to see me fail. To laugh at me while I'm down and come support me when I'm up in hopes to profit off of me.  
  
Money, Fiancées, Pride, Honor...  
  
I'm sick of it.  
  
If I want to be a bum, let me be it. If I want to be an assassin, let me be it. If I want to be a girl, let me be it. Stop controlling me...  
  
Mother, pop, Mr. Tendo, Ukyo, Shampoo, Ryoga, Mousse  
  
Akane...  
  
Why doesn't anyone try to take me as I am?  
  
I don't want to be a martial artist, a fiancée, a tool, or a trophy. Why can't I just be me?   
  
Is there something wrong with that?  
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It was almost dinnertime. I had just come from my room when I ran into her.  
  
"Watch where you're going." I said to her. She didn't say anything. Instead, she just stared at me with a glint in her eyes. And then she grabbed me. She grabbed me by my collar and pushed me against the wall. As usual. She's going to punt me off.  
  
I closed my eyes and waited for the coming punch, but before that happened I felt her press up against me.  
  
She moved her head closer to my ear, while her hand still clutched the collar of my shirt.  
  
Her face hardened in a look of determination. In a raspy voice she spoke.  
  
"Listen," she said sharply, "I'm only going to say this once, so listen, and listen good."  
  
"...Aishiteru..." [I love you]  
  
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Notes: I started writing this a while ago. I hardly think this was the ending I was going to have when I first started, but I doubt I had one to begin with. Any who, I haven't written in awhile. Sorry about that. Geez, what has it been? Maybe 6 months since I've written anything for Key to My Heart, or Love pills. I have ending for them, but they seem too corny. I want to end it at least (if nothing else) semi good. Alas, alas, what am I to do? Maybe I'll write more. Maybe not. I haven't read anything really inspiring lately, so that doesn't help. -sigh- I'll let you off now. Bye Bye. 


End file.
